Q: My son is 23. He graduated boot camp in the CAF three years ago. He has made life in the military all about being trans. He was supposed to be a soldier. He started taking hormones two years before he told me that he wanted to transition into a girl. Dropped the news on me Christmas break … so days ago. I am so sad, mad, and confused. HELP! I fear I am going to lose him forever. I fear that I will never understand what is happening. Note: He never showed any signs of being gay nor did he have any female traits growing up. I feel like this whole thing is a big mistake that he will regret. How can I support him without losing my mind?

A:

The fact that you are looking for help in supporting your adult child is the biggest sign that your heart is in the right place. Thank you for reaching out! It’s okay to feel confused right now. Here’s what our staff have to say:

First and foremost, reassure your child that you love and support them unconditionally. You may have done this already, but whenever the topic is approached, reassure them again. It could be extremely difficult for them to talk about this.

In that same vein, try to be open to learning about your adult child’s feelings and experiences. Ask questions to better understand, listen to their answers without judgement, and know it takes a lot of courage for them to share that with another person. You won’t know everything right away, and mistakes will be made, but that is okay! 

As your child is an adult, they are more likely to be able to tell you what they need for support. So, ask them what support looks like from you, and then do your best to follow through on what they say.

Trust your child when they tell you who they are! No one knows them better than themselves. There is no one-size-fits-all to being trans. Not all trans folks displayed obvious signs as children. So while it may seem like this came out of nowhere from your perspective, there’s a good chance it’s been brewing in your child’s mind for quite some time, whether they realized it or not.

You can also seek out your own support system, particularly from other parents of trans children. You are certainly not the only parent of an adult child who has gone through a situation like this; it can help to talk to others who came out the other side with an even stronger relationship with their child in their most authentic form.

We would also encourage you to do some independent research! Our downloadable terminology guide is a great place to start, and has a whole section about terms related to the trans experience. We also have a guide for parents of trans children, or children who are exploring their gender identity. Though your child is an adult, this guide could still be useful for learning foundational information about supporting your child through an exploration of their gender identity.

Thank you again for sending in your question. We hope you know that OUT Maine staff are always here to answer any questions like this going forward, including through individual consultations if needed (contact info@outmaine.org for that!). Being the parent of a trans child is eye-opening and beautiful; you’ll learn a lot and continue to love them through it all!